"When they don’t love you the way you want to, you mourn that for however long you need to. But then you get back up and you remind yourself. You are not a reflection of the people who can’t love you. You will love again. You will be loved again." - Caitlyn Siehl
My hamster passed away last night and I am so god damn heartbroken. M got her when we found out I was sick, so she could keep me company as I was off work for 2 and a half months, and it was getting lonely being unable to leave bed. She’d smile when I walked in her room, and she’d nibble my nose and nuzzle my hand. I read to her until she got used to my voice, and we’d balance carrots on the roof of her cage, so she could climb for them.
I feel overwhelmingly sad as I was so unprepared for her to go. And I have exhausted myself from crying so much. I didn’t realise how much I loved my little one until I found her still. Goodbye Scramble, you will forever be missed.
Tomorrow my parents are hosting a party for far too many people for my socially anxious self to accept. 100+ people in one house: but I’m excited, because M is coming, my childhood best friends are coming, and we’re celebrating my parents 25 wedding anniversary. There’s been various points in the last year where shit has just got too bad, and I’ve really believed that they were breaking apart. But they fought and tomorrow is a celebration of that. And I am thankful they didn’t give in.
On another note, it’s been 2 months since I had my surgery and I’m not going to lie, it’s been emotionally exhausting. For the first two weeks I cried, often, for no reason at all. But I’ve begun to feel like a different person: having something effecting my moods, changing my body rapidly and causing me to feel tired god damn constantly, for the last three years, and now suddenly I have so much energy, and I feel genuinely, overwhelmingly happy. I feel really, really good.
Almost three weeks later and I am healing well.
Despite a lot of paranoia about infections, two of my wounds have lost their scabs and are now look similar to scratches. All bruises have / are disappearing and fading fast. My belly button is still quite messy, and of course, my inside stitches — I can’t tell how well they are healing, but I was told it would take up to three months for them to fully heal.
I guess what I’m saying is, it’s god damn impressive how great bodies are and how much trauma they can take and recover from. Not to mention how quickly they do it. (I also can’t wait to be 100% — which ultimately, will be very soon.)
Tomorrow is a road trip kind of day and I’ll be seeing my favourites for the first time in a long while. Though I am constantly exhausted as my body is fighting to heal and, the pain is growing, as are the bruises (I have a south america shaped bruise inexplicably growing across my back — battered doesn’t describe my poor body right now) I am excited.
Four hours in the car is going to ache, but improvising with pillows across my abdomen and as many pain killers as I can handle, I’m sure it’s going to be worth it. Recovery has been a bore, and I can’t take sitting indoors much lonnger — my fingers are crossed the sun will come out and play, too.