There’s just something about this boy. Man. Person; just getting used to the way you salute every magpie we see, and the way you cuddle me on the sofa at night proclaiming “we need to do this much more often.” We do it every night.
When I’m placed in a position you know I will hate your face smiling out from the crowd, and you were screaming my name. And I just know how much you feel like home, how the taste of your tongue still makes my breath scarce. How you make me drown.
There’s just something about you that leaves me contradicting, leaves me overflowing: All the in betweens. I just know 100% I have never felt this way before, it is so much more than I have ever known. You are so much more than I have ever known.
I just feel like I am missing out on so much recently. All I seem to do is go from university, to work, to driving lessons, to hospital and to sleep. My life is just revolving around saving money for something “great” but I am yet to figure out what that is.
I am super duper happy but, exhausted all the same. (I just want to run away for a week or two.)
I’m visiting my grandmother tomorrow in hospital, and this will be the first time I have seen her since she was diagnosed. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know how I will react.
She has had two tattoos placed on her back where radiotherapy will attempt to shrink her tumours. She has many. They will decide soon whether anything can be done to her lungs to give her a longer life: but we are not optimistic about it. It’s difficult. It’s so fucking difficult. I lost one grandmother in April after fighting a losing battle with her health for 26+ years, and now my remaining grandmother can only wait for news on how many days she may see out. (This is all too much.)
M has been more supportive than I can begin to explain, and I am so god damn thankful to have him around. I am a mixture of everything and nothing all at once, and he is here, holding me, ready with tissues and cuddles for the moments that I break. Grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Maria Anwander — The Kiss, 2007/2010, french kiss on wall and museum label
“The Kiss” was given to the MoMA as a donation without asking for permission. I entered the museum as a regular visitor and gave an intense French kiss to the wall. Next to the invisible kiss I then fixed a fake label, which simulated the style of a regular MoMA caption.
I can’t even begin to describe how incredible this weekend has truly been. It was M’s birthday on saturday, and I actually managed to keep a surprise (which next to never happens.) I got him his new age in presents, made a dreadful hamburger shaped cake and made steak for dinner. I think in some ways I was much more excited to spoil him than he was for his day, but it was lovely all the same.
The following day I met his parents (oh god it was terrifying, but they are so cute!) and we watched the fireworks in his hometown, and then we went for a walk into Spanish city where they have a bunch of modern art going on indoors.
It’s been a mess of studio ghibli films and overdosing on cake, lie ins and lots and lots of rain, but it has been great. (So, so, so happy.)
The Book Thief, Markus Zusak
Here is a small fact: you are going to die
I’ve been happy, almost too happy for a while. I knew something was brewing, but my god did I not expect this.
Today my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Shadows showing up in 3 different places on her body. She is the last of her vast family left: each passing with cancer — I guess we saw this coming. Next week, my mum is returning home from Spain alone, to help keep our (pretty broken hearted) family intact. I guess her being the only one of her siblings without a full time job, or any job for that matter is coming in handy.
I don’t know how to deal with loss, twice in one year. I just, I hope we are blessed and have caught this early. We will fight. (But please, please don’t let her go. Please don’t make me lose my best friend.)